Dear Hair,

We have been through so much together. You were there waving away the day that I came out of my mother's womb. You grew bigger and thicker every year, causing many traumatic days as a child because you were so easy to poke fun at. Mom would try combing through it once or twice a week and curse that you were like a rat's nest. When I had lice as a 5 year old, it took hours late into the night for Mom to comb you out. And that time that we played Battle of Bunker Hill with the neighborhood boys and one of them got hold of you and accidentally ripped a chunk out, no one could tell that there was a bald spot. It was as if you knew a part of you had been ripped out, so you multiplied with fury to get back at that boy. But you were really only getting back at me!

Summer was always a hard season because I am convinced you kept me about 10 degrees warmer than everyone else. But birthday pool parties were always a great way to cool us off and FINALLY you would be somewhat smaller because of the weight of the water. We could actually pull off looking like we had normal sized hair. Except, when it was time for pizza and cake at those parties. It was back to being our freakish self. Everyone else's hair would calmly dry, but YOU just got bigger and bigger the more you dried and we both knew it was inevitable that in an hours time you would look like a cross between Annie and Diana Ross.






But it's okay, you made me unique and I am happy for that. However, it has come at a hefty price. Once puberty rolled around, you finally stopped being so unruly and started curling a lot better...but we had to use a can of mousse and hairspray every couple weeks. Do you know how much product I have had to use on you? It's not like we can exactly follow the "Lather one a dime sized amount of the smoothing oil to achieve maximum results." Oh no, a dime size of oil would never work. You laugh at that size. It was like that bottle was mocking us for what we were. We had to use 2 half dollar sized oil amounts to achieve these 'maximum results.' When I did want to wear you straight and more manageable, it would take at least an hour to make you look good and many gallons of sweat. But you know what, I think I am happiest when you are straight.
Actually, I KNOW I am happier when you are straight. I feel better and look better when you are straight. Which is why I have decided to chemically straighten you. Permanently. It is true that many people might be upset that I am doing this to you. But in my opinion, I think they will only be upset because it is merely entertaining for them to see how large you can get. And don't worry Hair, my hairstylist says I can still wear a beachy curl look if I diffuse you so it's not goodbye forever to those curls. So on Wednesday the 23rd at 9 AM, get ready. It will be a 4+ hour ordeal and $150 later, you will be straight.

(after blow drying it for 25 minutes...about to straighten it)

And I know you will be upset at first Hair. No one wants chemicals poured onto them to take those hydrogen bonds out that make you so curly, but please cooperate. I have this nightmare that you will be too upset with me and go against all odds and remain curly even after this treatment. So, cooperate damn it.

Stay tuned! Next week I will have pictures at my salon as I do it!