Dude...it's been 9 days since I wrote last? Man time is flying. First off, I would like to say my computer sucks because it takes me ten times longer to do things because it is so loud and noisy. It's so noisy that I can't take it to class to take notes because everyone can hear it.
Second off, I just finished two days of clinicals and am about to drown myself in advanced pathophysiology, but before I do, I'd like to share a piece of info. My instructor told me today that if I ever get stressed, just remember that they chose our group because we were the best, and that this year they had almost 300 applicants for 70 spots. 'So hold your head high, because there's a reason you are here and you can do this no matter what we throw at you.'
And finally, or third off?, anxiety attacks suck. Yes, I am putting it out there on the internet for everyone to know because if you have anxiety, you know it is like the worst thing ever. I started having anxiety attacks when I began college, but I haven't had a really bad one for awhile. Until Monday night. On Tuesday morning I had to get up at 5:45 AM to make it on time to clinicals. I got in bed at 10 PM, but I just had this constant worry in my mind. I tried several relaxation techniques, but that only led to more anxiety. For people who don't know what this is like, it's like your heart is racing, feels like heart arrythmias/heart attack, you sweat, you feel like the room is spinning, breathing shallow/fast, etc. I tried Enya, milk and turkey, progressive relaxation, watching TV, talking to my roommate, Facebooking...nothing was calming me down. I called Krissy because she knows how they go and thought she could calm me down, but I forgot she was in NY and it was 3:30 AM her time. I called my ex-boyfriend (huge mistake...but he always used to calm me down when I'd go into attack mode) but he declined to help...can't say I blame him though. The whole time I just wanted to call my Mom, but I kept reminding myself of the time when I was a freshman and called her in the middle of the night because I couldn't breathe and how panicked my Dad was when he answered: "Are you okay?? What's going on? It's the middle of the night!" Eventually, I decided just to call, even though it was almost 2 AM, because I knew it was the only thing that was going to help and I had to wake up in like 3 hours for a really big day.
The phone rang and my Dad sounded a little confused, "Hello? Are you okay??"
"Yes, Dad I'm fine I just need to talk to Mom."
My Mom's voice comes on the phone and I am instantly relieved because she doesn't sound mad. It was the same voice that comforted me in the middle of the night when I was a kid...so mothers...just know that your kids will never stop needing you. Suckers. Anyway, she let me talk about all the things that were making me feel anxious. 'Mom...every single week I have like 3 quizzes, 2 8 hour shifts of clinicals, at least one major test until the end of the semester, volunteer service at least 2 hours, work, and I am just staring at a bookshelf full of textbooks, medical dictionaries, drug manuals that are full of information that I don't know about. I don't want to be a nurse anymore...this is just too hard!!! I don't know what I'm doing here!'
I realize you can get a little hysterical going on little sleep and lots of anxiety, but I feel like in the last couple days a bomb has been dropped on me. After talking about everything with her and suggesting several relaxation techniques that I had already tried, she suggested that I go to my happy place. "What's your happy place Becca? Imagine that you are there." She said later that she assumed it would be laying on a beach or something that most people would imagine. But without even hesitating I said, "In our living room with our entire family." There really isn't a better place I can imagine than that. After getting off the phone with my fantastic Mom, I imagined my entire family gathered in my house. My happy place didn't have words, more like a silent film of actions. Sarah would be mouthing something, then my head camera would flash to Jeff making some other remark...and then the whole room would erupt in laughter. Nancy and my Dad would come on my head camera and they would sarcastically make some kind of comment and smile and laughter would erupt again. Meanwhile, I am holding my newest niece Gemma while having Emaline tackle me every once and awhile with kisses. I was out cold within 5 minutes. Thanks, Mom. (and Dad for picking up the phone at an annoying hour.)
What is your happy place?
5 comments:
awwww. I'm all teary. You like us! But hey, why does Jeff get the laughter? Just know that when you are actually in your happy place again, all of this will be behind you and you'll be cruising through school like the rock star you are.
And I totally get the hysteria/panic of little sleep. Why do you think I kept bursting into tears when you were visiting right after Gemma was born?
And you can always call me. I'm not your mom, but I have a considerable more amount of patience for middle-of-the-night disturbances than I did before I was a mom. Just ask Donovan.
But mom rocks, so stick with the plan that works. Hope this week is going better now. xoxo,s
My happy place is this blog post.
I need to work on my early a.m. answering skills. But let's face it, good news doesn't come at 1 AM, except for birth announcements, and that's something I don't want to hear from you for awhile.
But don't let my initial concern deter you from calling. We understand the parent thing is a lifelong job, and we actually revel in it, even now.
And I have a few ideas about dealing with late night anxiety attacks, but I'll save those for the next late night converation.
Dad
And by the way, the reason I passed you off so quickly to Mom was because you sounded quite calm, so I assumed there was no emergency, and that you needed to talk to Mom about one of, you know, THOSE problems. I can't get out of the room fast enough when such things are discussed.
Was this initiated by Dan becoming the lonely boy once again? He deserved it.
Post a Comment